In December, I took Eleanor to audition for a play, Our Town. While there, the director asked me to audition too, since they needed adults. So Eleanor and I were in Our Town together which was a lot of fun. She played Professor Willard (and various children), and I played various townfolk.

Then, right when our show was wrapping up, there were rehearsals for Belles: The Reunion which has a cast of 6 adult women. So I auditioned, and was cast in that show as well (as Sherry, the flighty sister). I was really nervous for this one, because there were a lot of lines and a monologue and I’ve been losing confidence in my memory, so I was worried I wouldn’t remember all my lines. But I memorized them faster than I expected, and only dropped one line in dress rehearsal, so it was all ok.

I’m waiting to see how Shakespeare in the park is set up for this year, because depending on when the show is will mean whether or not I should audition (we might be out of the country for it). But I get the same frisson of fear thinking about memorizing Shakespeare, where there really is less room for improvising. I also don’t know that many Shakespeare plays, to be honest. It wasn’t my concentration for my masters, so I kind of only know the popular ones fairly well. Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet probably the best, with Midsummer Night’s Dream next, and then an understanding of the plots of King Lear, Taming of the Shrew, and Julius Caesar, and the rest are kind of a jumble. I know “out out damn spot” is Macbeth (Lady), as is “out out brief candle; life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Which is a pretty good line (and by Macbeth, not his lady). It’s also where Faulkner got the title for his novel, The Sound and the Fury. A doy. From Julius Caesar we’ve got “Friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” From Hamlet we’ve got “There are more things on heaven and earth, Horatio, than is dreamt of in your philosophy,” which is a banger. “The play’s the thing” is also from Hamlet. (And the famous monologue which we don’t need me to get into.) Anyway, all that to say, I kinda know some of the time when something is a Shakespeare quote, but I wouldn’t say I have a leg up on knowing any lines.

I had a really good time performing in the plays. It was really nice to work alongside other people with a shared creative purpose. I haven’t been in a play since junior high, and I hadn’t done something so time-intensive (selfish) since I trained for the half marathon a couple years ago (though I was fortunately able to do a big chunk of that while on sabbatical, so it didn’t take away from family time too much). And when doing the play with Eleanor (which was months of rehearsal, compared to Belles, which was about 4 weeks of rehearsal), I got to spend a lot of time with her, so it was really nice to have that unique time with her.

In the midst of the chaos of performances for Our Town, Bob said something offhand to me that I keep thinking about (it was so offhand, he didn’t remember saying it later when I brought it up). He said that I haven’t had enough time by myself, which is when I really reflect, contemplate, and recharge, and he noticed. And while I also knew that to be true (I get a little panicky and worn threadbare when I don’t have sufficient alone time), I didn’t know he had noticed it. Nevertheless, I still auditioned for Belles because several people asked me to (which is such an ego boost, holy cow) and I was curious. And I’m so glad I did because it was a great experience, and I was able to remember the lines, and it was nice to have something of my own to be going off to do every day.

In November, when my mom was diagnosed with severe dementia, the neurologist told us that the best ways to reduce the risks of dementia are to keep active (good blood flow through the brain) and to socialize frequently and have a strong social group. After that came all the rest of it — prevent or correct hearing loss, eat right, don’t drink a bunch, etc. I decided I had best stop turning invitations and opportunities for socialization down because it interfered with family time, or it was during times when my family expected me to be home (even if they weren’t). Which sounds crazy, but was really just a habit — I am usually home after school and into the evenings, and can take the kids to their stuff and can prep and/or make dinner, or whatever. Bob would be out doing things (other obligations, like coaching or meetings, or running, or going to sporting events/games), and it makes sense to have one adult home.

I don’t think I have a good balance yet. It feels all or nothing, and I don’t have balance for my own alone time. Especially considering I want to help my dad with my mom as much as I can, by going to all her doctor appointments with him, and hanging out with her when he’s got an appointment (sometimes shared with my sister and niece), and going over and providing dinner and company once a week.

And that’s not even taking into account working full time. I’ve worked full time for more than twenty years, and I will surely be working full time for another twenty. I’ve said before that I’m very lucky in that I get to go work on interesting and difficult problems at work, and move around the company as needed. I’m always learning new things, and I’m always allowed to gain expertise in a totally new area. It not only is satisfying, I think it’s probably helping keep my brain healthy. But it’s not the same as when I can sit quietly and read for fun, or ruminate, or daydream, even though I am physically alone for the majority of the work day.

In March I attended the T&S Summit in London, and LEGO was there to give a talk on child safety (as anyone with kids probably knows, LEGO has apps, and they are pretty fun — that’s why they’re at a digital conference, not for the physical toys). The presenters said that they begin every meeting at LEGO with a moment of play. When they’re in a room, they play with actual LEGOs, and when they’re online together they play with LEGOs digitally together. They put up a QR code, we all scanned it and were all put into a sandbox and given 5 LEGO bricks, and told to build a duck with them. Once we were happy with our duck, we hit “submit” and the duck was added to the big screen, where everyone’s ducks hopped around and quacked together. We had something like 20 seconds. It was fast, and it was fun. And no two ducks were exactly alike. It loosened the entire room up. If you’ve never been to a Trust and Safety conference, they are really intense and you’re often talking about the ways that things aren’t going well, and everyone frets endlessly about child safety. So having moments of levity and congress are key to refocusing and being able to keep talking about it all.

So it seems that play is the thing, and sometimes the play is the thing. And the thing is also finding the right balance for right now, across group time and alone time, and work time. It doesn’t even sound that interesting, it’s so obvious. But habits are hard to shake and patterns are hard to recognize without adequate time for reflection. So maybe I’ll buy myself some LEGOs and take a day off to quietly build and ruminate.