Performance Evaluation Time

Hi Darth, hi, yep, come on in and sit down. Do you go by Darth, or Anaki… oh, it’s Lord? Vader? Ok. No, that’s fine. Is that an ancestral landholding, or … oh it’s just something Palpatine said? Ok. Yeah, haha, we don’t argue with him, huh? Haha, anyway, let’s get started.

I’ve been pulling together feedback from your peers and … what’s that? You don’t recognize anyone as your peer? Let’s come back to that in a moment, it sort of relates to some feedback I’ve gotten. Uh, well, let’s assume that the feedback I’ve gotten is legitimate. No, no one else is a self-styled lord. At the risk of exposing people’s anonymity, I feel compelled to tell you that it’s a collection of station commanders, moffs, grand moffs, admirals, generals, and so on. I don’t think, if he were still alive, Wilhuff would appreciate being called a fool, and besides, that’s really neither here nor there; we’re talking about your performance today.

So the peer … ok, fine, the feedback from others within the organization that I’ve gotten is quite mixed, frankly. People do tend to appreciate that you are decisive and that you roll up your sleeves and get things done! You have a specific vision for the future, and you really are consistent when communicating that vision to others. That’s a great thing in a manager, ah right um, in a lord. All hands on the same laser button, and all that! Broadly, you’re pretty popular among the clone troops. That could relate back to your history working on the front lines with them, um, before the big messy time. Whatever the reason, it’s a definite plus. It’s really among management where the feedback, no I am going to insist on calling it feedback not “incorrect opinions,” I really must insist. Anyway, the feedback from the people in mid-to-upper management is really quite mixed.

The folks who don’t need to wear armor to work everyday can sometimes feel very threatened by you. Well, I think it’s a direct result of you occasionally (and unpredictably) using the Force to strangle people. No, I am not suggested that if you do it on a predictable schedule that people will like you more. If anything, that will turn more people against you, popularity-wise. You’re really only hurting yourself, haha excuse the pun, because when you lash out like that, the officers don’t want to follow your vision.

Another thing that’s come up a lot is your insistence on bringing your religion to work. It’s not so much that you practice your religion at work, that would be ok, it’s really how you go about using it as a weapon. Ah, yes, uh, yes, like this. Please put me down, yes, right now. Ahem. I’m reluctant to do so, but I have to continue in the same vein briefly. Some of the officers found it disappointing that you refused to attend the vigil for the people we lost on the Death Star; it didn’t seem to be an issue with religious conflict so much as … spite. Some questions have arisen around you being the sole survivor, and your convenient decision to board a TIE fighter minutes before the explosion, though I assure you it doesn’t feel convenient for me in this moment, haha. Further, no you’re doing it again, yes I can feel you constricting my airway, please stop. Yep, that’s…yes, better. Ahem, so. Further, I know some people have been talking about the fact that your son was the one who blew up our little station, and they’re drawing a pretty damning line to the fact that you are the sole survivor… you can see how people would talk. NO I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHO PUT ME DOWN. DOWN NOW!

Let’s move on from the peer feedback, we’ve got kind of a lot to get through and I’d like to live to see tomorrow, haha. No, no, just a little joke. Let’s look at the impact your work has had on our organization. The whole Hoth invasion seems like it was poorly conceived. I take no pleasure in telling you that some people are calling it a fiasco. The cost of having the clone snowtrooper outfits manufactured was astronomical, haha, a little space joke, but seriously, it was really expensive. It was way, way outside of budget. Did you get the memo from accounting about any expenditures over 250,000 units? It would probably save us all a lot of grief if you would read those, actually. They’re not peons, they’re financial experts, with experience maintaining a budget for a multi-system empire. Anyway, the snowtrooper helmets alone came in at a whopping 16 billion — with a b — units. Yes, I do see that you highlighted the cost savings we reap for having every clone have the exact same measurements. You know we’re going to have to start bringing in non-clones for trooper work, right? It’s sort of an administrative nightmare, but needs must. So we sunk a lot into the costuming and dare I say theatre? of the Hoth invasion OK OK SORRY THEATRE WAS A POOR CHOICE. Ahem. We put in a lot of money and had to move quite a lot of equipment to Hoth, and frankly, most of it was destroyed. And again, I truly regret having to mention this again, but your son once again escaped with his entire organization. It feels sometimes that your heart isn’t really in recruiting him to our team. AGHHHH MGHHF. You really need to control yourself!

One last thing to get through here and we can both walk away whole, haha, no I really am nervous actually. It’s the deal with Lando Calrissian, and the bounty hunter contracts you put through. I don’t think you’ve taken into account the new process we have for these. We would like you to have HR run a background check on anyone from the outer rim, just as a matter of procedure. Historically, the type of people who come from the outer rim just aren’t reliable. NOT YOU, THAT WASN’T A VEILED INSULT, OH GOD PUT ME DOWN! Ahem. So, ahem. Uh, anyway, that isn’t my opinion, that’s a statistical fact PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Just please loop HR in on any bounty hunter contracts going forward, as a courtesy. Uh and about the Calrissian deal, it’s not really structurally sound? Yeah, so I think what we’d like to see is if you could go back to him and renegotiate? We tend to like deals where we get everything and the other party doesn’t get anything at the end. I mean, let them live! Of course, haha, we’re not monsters.

Um, well, that’s about it. I have kind of a lot more, haha, but I can see there’s really no point in dredging through this, and I have 6 more reviews to give today. They won’t get done if I die mysteriously! Haha, no I want to live, thank you.

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