Never say never, am I right? Right? Right!

Thing I thought I thought: Babies are kind of boring.

Truth: Babies are kind of awesome. And not just mine. They do so much stuff! They are constantly changing. It’s astonishing how fast they learn new things.

Thing I thought I thought: Ford Maddox Ford

Truth: Ford Madox Ford

Thing I thought I thought: John Madden is gay.

Truth: He’s totally not. I don’t know why I thought that. But I really did; for a long time. I only vaguely know who John Madden is, so it’s all the more perplexing.

Thing I thought I thought: It’s better to just figure stuff out for yourself and not ask for help.

Truth: The hell it is. Who has time to reinvent the wheel? Not me.

Thing I thought I thought: Refined people (and ladies) don’t cuss.

Truth: Yes they goddamned do.

Zandy Ring’s Guidelines for Using Blue Words

• Don’t be the first one in the group to cuss
• Don’t cuss around people you don’t know
• Don’t cuss expressly to insult or degrade someone – if you do, you’re an asshole
• Don’t cuss if you know it makes someone uncomfortable
• Don’t cuss around children or impressionables
• Only use a blue word if it is the exact right word – not because you use them as filler (like, um, ah).

Thing I thought I thought: If I ever get thrown up on I might have to explode and throw up myself.

Truth: It’s still surprising if I don’t get thrown up on at least once a day. It’s not that bad. It’s worse than pee because of the smell.

Thing I thought I thought: People who are aggressively loud deserve consideration, since no one would be so obnoxious without provocation.

Truth: Sometimes people are just loud. They’re not more worthy of attention – everyone starts out equally worthy and then their content drives the ship.

Thing I thought I thought: Your job is what you are.

Truth: What you do is what you are. That’s not always your job. Choose that carefully, but sometimes it’s any port in a storm.

Thing I thought I thought: Cats are pretty cool.

Truth: Cats are ok.

Thing I thought I thought: I’m not good at video games.

Truth: I’m not great at video games, but I do pretty well if someone could just get in here and do the hard part for me.

Thing I thought I thought: Important people are important.

Truth: Well-known doesn’t equate importance.

Thing I thought I thought: People who disagree with me are usually right/I shouldn’t bother the company of the product or service that broke or was faulty within warranty/difference in opinion means something is wrong with my opinion.

Truth: Bullshit.

Thing I thought I thought: Levi-oh-sah.

Truth: Levi-oh-sah.

Thing I thought I thought: My babies don’t need nicknames, they have lovely names. (Follow-up to a previous thing I thought I thought: Why don’t parents like their kids to have nicknames? They’re sooo much easier!)

Truth: Hank, Hen-Bone, Tank, Stomper, Ellie, Nora, Norrie, Tank (also) (full circle, man).

Thing I thought I thought: I’m lucky to get maternity leave at all and I should try to stay connected during it.

Truth: Maternity leave is a inalienable right, and America is one of three industrial nations that doesn’t mandate it – alongside Swaziland and Papua New Guinea. The first six weeks of my babies’ life I will never get back. Work isn’t going to stop without me. I should have taken off another six weeks.

Thing I thought I thought: Albuquerque is boring.

Truth: Breaking Bad.

Thing I thought I thought: My mom was saying “Gee, My Knee!” whenever frustrated. No clue why.

Truth: She’s saying “Jimminy” like the cricket. No clue why. She also says “oinge” and “warshington.” She’s from Pasadena.